Are You Experiencing or Selling Poisonous Positivity in Your Thoughts or Relationships?

With the stress of the vacation season upon us, and significantly throughout such a time of change, many individuals could face increased ranges of poisonous positivity than traditional. If you’re coping with damaging feelings, and everybody retains telling you to be constructive, it could possibly have the other impact. It is no shock to many people that examples of poisonous positivity appear to be on the rise throughout this vacation and New Yr season. 

I spoke with Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and host of Thoughts Issues with Dr. Michele, to debate the impacts of poisonous positivity, what it’s and what we’d have the ability to do about it.  

What’s poisonous positivity?

“Poisonous positivity usually entails dismissing damaging feelings in favor of focusing solely on these which might be constructive,” mentioned Leno. In the event you speak to somebody having a tough time however solely specific positivity in return, setting apart their true emotions, they’re doubtless affected by poisonous positivity. 

We are able to apply this to ourselves or one another, and it’s usually realized as a social trait. As an example, you will have heard phrases like “Toughen up; it is not that dangerous” or “Simply smile and get by means of it.” These phrases aren’t essentially all the time used as poisonous positivity; communication can have heavy nuance, however the concepts contained inside these phrases are strongly consultant of how poisonous positivity can manifest.

In lots of instances, poisonous positivity could also be a type of gaslighting as effectively. The American Psychological Affiliation defines “gaslight” as “to control one other particular person into doubting their perceptions, experiences or understanding of occasions.” Suppose you try to make your self or one other particular person really feel irrational and unreasonable for having damaging feelings as a substitute of constructive ones. In that case, you might be partaking in each poisonous positivity and gaslighting.  

“When poisonous positivity is utilized in a relationship, it could resemble gaslighting, as companions could use it to manage and manipulate circumstances,” mentioned Leno.

Brightsiding is an identical phenomenon to poisonous positivity, however not all the time as excessive. They’re usually used synonymously, however brightsiding may also specific a scenario the place the damaging feelings are downplayed however not ignored. In distinction, poisonous positivity tends to exert extra strain to completely disacknowledge damaging feelings in favor of constructive ones. Leno mentioned these two phenomena are very related: “They discourage actual feelings and should trigger one to really feel emotionally constricted. They do not need to take care of your ‘damaging’ feelings, so that they discourage you from discussing them.”

How does positivity flip poisonous?

It might probably usually be troublesome for folks to comprehend the depth of their very own feelings. Leno says positivity can turn out to be poisonous “when it’s used to masks actual feelings.” She additional goes on to focus on how this could stifle an individual and result in extra negativity reasonably than much less. “Pretending that you’re blissful when you’re not could make you’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious … The inner stress, nevertheless, will develop till there’s a decision. How you’re feeling is sure to manifest behaviorally or bodily (or each),” she mentioned.

Indicators of poisonous positivity

Poisonous positivity is targeted on dismissing the damaging in favor of the constructive, even when it is unrealistic to take action (particularly when it is unrealistic). Consequently, many of the indications of poisonous positivity are going to mirror this sample of avoidance and redirection. How these indicators reveal themselves in others versus ourselves or the environment, like a office, can fluctuate however are all thematically related. The first distinction turns into who’s initiating the poisonous positivity and who’s the goal. We are able to do that to ourselves and one another and obtain this from the environment (consider office encouragement posters). 

Leno listed the next indicators of poisonous positivity:

• “Incapability to simply accept one’s emotions as they’re.” This can be a robust indication in ourselves that we’re making use of poisonous positivity internally and never permitting for our damaging feelings.
• “Feeling uncomfortable together with your feelings.” This can be a troublesome one as many feelings are difficult, and many individuals really feel uncomfortable with their emotions. But, if this discomfort leads you to trivialize your damaging feelings and overstate your constructive ones as a substitute, then you might be doubtless pressuring your self with poisonous positivity.
• “Dismissing one other particular person’s expertise as a result of it feels damaging.” If an individual dismisses your expertise purely as a result of it’s damaging, they’re doubtless making use of poisonous positivity. The concept your expertise must be inherently constructive with out allowance for the potential of negativity is a robust instance of poisonous positivity.
• “Accusing an individual of being too delicate or not having thick pores and skin as a result of they’re upset.” Implying that an individual is inferior or “not robust sufficient” due to a damaging expertise or emotion is peak poisonous positivity. The thought right here is to successfully disgrace and shun somebody for experiencing something lower than constructive, which is, itself, fairly poisonous.

The results of poisonous positivity

Poisonous positivity can have a spread of results, usually damaging, as ironic as that could be. In accordance with Leno, folks experiencing poisonous positivity could “really feel ignored, inferior, and irrelevant … It might probably trigger or exacerbate anxiousness and melancholy. It might probably lower our means to manage as a result of we primarily stroll round pretending that nothing is unsuitable. Others could understand our interactions as faux and facade-like.”

In a person, this could result in avoidance of emotional development and contribute to occasions of heightened duress. Irrespective of how a lot we keep away from our feelings, they’ll discover a solution to manifest. On the whole, the earlier we start processing them, the higher. 

In a relationship, poisonous positivity can simply contribute to relationship imbalances, gaslighting and an avoidance of doing troublesome emotional work collectively. Consequently, the bonds of that relationship could also be weaker than in any other case, and the general well being of the connection and people could endure. In a office, poisonous positivity can improve the speed of employee burnout, requiring a level of emotional perfection that does not exist.

In every scenario, poisonous positivity can scale back the performance and well-being of these concerned.

“Whereas encouraging somebody to think about constructive features of a scenario appears innocent at a look, rejecting their present emotions could trigger them to really feel extra pissed off,” Leno mentioned. “Venting is a manner of emotional processing. We have to really feel our emotions and know that they’re legitimate.”

How to deal with poisonous positivity

In terms of dealing with poisonous positivity, Leno says, “It’s OK to embrace positivity however not on the danger of authenticity. First, acknowledge the problem. Second, think about your emotions. Lastly, consider attainable options.” This recipe may also help people to face and course of their damaging feelings and experiences whereas striving in the direction of positivity, however with out mandating it or denying their difficulties.

Leno mentioned that when confronted with poisonous positivity, “Being direct is greatest. If somebody suggests you deny your feelings, allow them to know that doesn’t give you the results you want. We are able to additionally state, ‘I discover that is making you uncomfortable, and I cannot speak to you about it.'” The trick right here entails sustaining sufficient house for your self whereas permitting house for others. In essence, you might be entitled to your emotions, and so are they, however neither of you is entitled to dictate the others’ emotions. The road between policing actions and feelings is usually tough, however it must be discernible with effort.

In case your expertise of poisonous positivity grows extreme sufficient, you might need to converse with a psychological well being professional. Leno advised me that indicators of reaching this level “embody excessive anxiousness, disappointment, fatigue, avoidance, incapacity to deal with even gentle stress or change and issue being round others as a result of they don’t seem to be ‘blissful’ sufficient…”

Options to poisonous positivity

With poisonous positivity being such an apparent one to keep away from, we should always think about some various approaches to our feelings that will encourage more healthy outcomes. These will contain deliberately experiencing and processing our damaging emotions and experiences. They may even concentrate on transferring towards the constructive. Nonetheless, the distinction between a wholesome and open pursuit of the constructive versus poisonous positivity is crucial. That distinction is contained primarily inside whether or not one faces and processes the damaging on the best way to the constructive or makes an attempt to suppress and ignore the damaging in favor of the constructive.

Really feel your feelings, good or dangerous

“Permitting ourselves to really feel our emotions, good or dangerous, is more healthy than attempting to suppress them,” mentioned Leno. The thought right here is that it doesn’t matter what we’re going by means of and experiencing, we should acknowledge it and work by means of it. Once we ignore or suppress our emotions, they do not actually go wherever. They nonetheless have an effect on us on a number of ranges, however we turn out to be much less able to noticing as a result of we have now internally said that these emotions do not exist. 

You might have seen that whenever you determine to be a sure manner emotionally, it would not are inclined to work out easily. We do not get speedy and direct management of our feelings. In some ways, feelings are inner processes that occur to us and are issues to be skilled reasonably than dictated.

Nonetheless, we will skew our experiences in the long run by doing wholesome emotional labor. Once we face and course of our experiences, we preserve a more healthy emotional baseline with much less buildup of the damaging and with much less self-applied strain. This creates an inner setting that’s extra conducive to constructive experiences. Briefly, permitting your self to truthfully expertise your damaging feelings could lead to you having extra authentically constructive emotions in the long run.

Though there are a number of methods folks discuss having a wholesome relationship together with your feelings as a more healthy various to poisonous positivity, all of them boil all the way down to the identical fundamental thought: really feel your feelings, good or dangerous. Some approaches, like remedy or meditation, could have distinctive constructions that assist people with these objectives, however all wholesome alternate options to poisonous positivity share the identical focus.

The underside line

Poisonous positivity is when an individual focuses on the constructive whereas avoiding the damaging to such an excessive that damaging experiences could also be thought-about a violation. We are able to apply poisonous positivity to ourselves and one another and even instill it into our social environments. 

The core drawback with poisonous positivity is that it focuses on avoiding a broad spectrum of actual feelings in favor of denial, suppression and the enshrinement of inauthentic positivity. The long-term penalties of this may be detrimental to people, relationships and teams at many ranges. A more healthy various to poisonous positivity entails experiencing our emotions, good or dangerous, and permitting ourselves to see and course of them authentically.